The Staff, With Knobs On*

Eat The Lemons

Staff Writer, Editor-in-Chief, and Wearer of Many Other Hats

Born in the wilds of nuclear waste and Tartar invaders, ETL came to New York City to blog and then finally fought her way back out. When not blogging she is learning how to make a nest in someone’s head and wiping blood and mucus from her all-too-knowing hands. Other hobbies include getting beat up at concerts, not busting an ovary while lifting heavy things, reading with abandon, traveling around Europe, contemplating surface piercings, and no longer visiting abuse upon those who invade her meager bubble of personal space in public transportation as that is no longer part of her life. Now based in Portland, Oregon, she must only fight mustachioed hipsters, and they are not very strong.


Staff Writer, Modern-Day Don Quixote, ETL’s Most Trusted Burro

Hailing from the land of Mexicanos, full of culture, mayan temples, and rustic beauty, Beelzy has somehow ended up in the state of Original Weirdness, foul smells, and terrible drivers. He once resided in none other than New Jersey, where he has spent a good chunk of his life drowning himself in books, movies, and videogames, following in the footsteps of the legendary Knight of the Sorry Face. Be it abandoned mental institutions or derelict homes on the side of creepy roads, Beelzy explored them in hopes of finding some damsel to succor, a foul beast to slay, or inspiration for a good horror story. When he isn’t out on a dangerous quest, he sits quietly at his laptop, typing away and churning out articles in Portland, Oregon.


Staff Writer, Minion, and Resident Metal-Head

Crusader for the rights of lost kittens and raccoons throughout the five boroughs, Dazvsemir rides through the city spewing misanthropy wherever he stops. What goes on in his head at that time, no one will ever know, but it is possible that images of Dio flicker through the mess. A most loyal and solidly dependable minion anyone may want, he attends concerts tirelessly, bravely takes photos of sweating rock stars and strikes up the occasional conversation about rocks (not sedimentary, unless they contain fossils), car innards and various mammals. When not busy with that he spends his time getting buff.


Staff Writer, Life Coach, and Mad Food Scientist

After managing to convince her friends that it is a good idea to go to Chile, rent a burro and retrace the roads of Incan exploits while not becoming kidnapped and sold as sex slaves, she has built her own computer, learned to extrapolate all information from the hold of the unreliable internet, dedicated herself to a text-based role-playing game and continues to read unending historical fiction and drooling over kitchen appliances. Generally sleep-deprived, she can often be found babbling about science, computers, or the latest hilarious aspect of living when not at a concert sharing sensori-neural hearing loss with ETL. She’s very good at describing food and making waiters nervous with note-taking. She also led the NYC-ditching way and is now happily slaughtering trolls in Portland, Oregon.


Staff Writer, Love Guru, Rage-Filled Maniac

Born in a hospital built on an Indian burial ground, Fly is cursed to live his life over and over again. Each time he dies only to be born again in the time of wild hair, bright colors, and heavy cocaine usage. While most people would use this situation to help better themselves and mankind, it has only made him cynical. He now spends his time ranting to anyone in earshot about terrible entertainment and how stupid people are because of their genitals. You should trust him though, he’s done this before.


Staff Writer and Photographer, Fin-o-Phile, Rocking All Around

Her boots were made for walking, and dancing, and taking the ferry to that land of chilly climes and the rockiest rock. La Femme, aka Frenchie, totes her camera everywhere she goes and captures life as it should be: up close, full of interesting angles, colors, and clarity. Oh, and peen. Sometimes, there is peen.


Contributor, Indie-Lover, Has Probably Flashed You

Currently in between lives, not much is known about this quiet and mysterious personage. She is that girl wearing layers and talking about little-known local acts. And if you’re lucky, she is also that girl who will leave a lingering impression of things that could have been as you find yourself waking up under the bar, alone, in a puddle of vomit and stale beer.

*Click on name, get all the articles under that writer’s belt.

Comments are closed.